


Comme un fou.

by c0r_c0rdium



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teenage Drama, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27342922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0r_c0rdium/pseuds/c0r_c0rdium
Summary: After a suicide attempt, Oliver is admitted to the psychiatric unit of a clinic, where he will meet people who will change the way he sees the world, including Elio Perlman.
Relationships: Oliver & Elio Perlman, Oliver/Elio Perlman
Comments: 31
Kudos: 64





	1. hit rock bottom.

"Dad, I already told you it was an accident ..." Oliver insisted, his tone frustrated.

"No, Oliver, nobody takes all those shitty pills by accident. Do you think I'm an idiot? I had a crucial meeting today, and I had to leave, and all because the young man could not think of a less absurd way to get attention than to attempt suicide. " His father could barely look at him, his face was red with rage, and Oliver knew it was also out of shame.

"Dad, no ... I didn't mean to kill myself, I already told you ... Grace, can you help me a bit?" Oliver glanced at the woman in the chair by the door, his stepmother, who stayed by his side all night and looked tired.

Grace looked at him with a tired expression, looked at Oliver's father, and closing her eyes, said, "Oliver ... I'm sorry" she opened her eyes and looked at him, "This time I can't defend you ... You scared us a lot."

A doctor comes into the room with some papers in his hand. "Good morning, Uhm, I need a few moments with Oliver, excuse us?

"Of course," Oliver's dad said and put a hand on Grace's shoulder to accompany him. Grace looked at Oliver with a half-smile, but Oliver turned away sullenly. That gesture felt like a pang to Grace's heart.

"Well, Oliver ... how are you feeling?" asked the doctor taking a seat in the chair next to the hospital bed.

Oliver looked at him seriously, but in his head, he could hear his own sarcastic laugh, he finally replied, "I feel like anyone who has had a tube put through his mouth to pump his stomach would feel: mortified, the worst night of my life" it was the worst night of his life. Still, the pumped stomach was not the main reason, it was just the closing of the show, but that, he would not tell the doctor, or anyone really.

"I understand... I mean, my stomach has never been pumped. Usually, I'm the one who treats them afterward," the doctor replied with a small laugh that stopped when he looked at Oliver's face, serious.

_'Great, fucking great, the damn stomach pump isn't enough for him, he makes jokes about it ... is it even ethical? fuck.'"_

"I'm Dr. Linhart, the psychiatrist." Oliver closed his eyes tight 'fuck, fuck, fuck' but opened them quickly. "They gave me your file, and according to this, you are seventeen years old, born on New England, you live with your dad, your step mother and a sister and brother, both younger, from that unio. Your mother moved to another city after the divorce. Last night your stepmother brought you to the emergency room after your sister found you on the floor with a bottle of pills. Do you remember anything?"

 _'Shit, Becca.'_ It was the last memory of the night before, Becca crying for help as she asked him not to die.

"No." He lied.

"I understand. It was a lot of pills, Oliver; do you have any idea why you did it? I want you to know that whatever you tell me, I will not tell your dad and stepmother unless it involves a legal matter." The doctor looked Oliver straight in the eye with a serious gesture. He was really interested in what Oliver had to tell.

"It was something impulsive, I don't know why I did it ..." He lied again; he knew perfectly why, but he wasn't ready to say it, and deep down, he feared that he never would be.

"There is a reason, Oliver, but I don't want to pressure you," The doctor said calmly but somewhat frustrated and continued, "I spoke with your parents, well, with your father and stepmother a while ago when you still weren't awake," Said the doctor rechecking his notes.

 _'Shit,'_ Oliver thought again, _'I'm screwed.'_

"You are an outstanding student; you play sports, you do well in everything ..." at that moment, Oliver looked down and thought, _'No, I'm doing everything wrong, everything that really matters ...'_ but he kept listening. "It must be stressful, right? Getting good grades all the time."

"No, not really, I like to study, and I enjoy doing sports," he answered, trying to sound natural. It was not a lie, although, in reality, he was no longer interested in anything since he realized ...

"But apparently your academic and sports performance has decreased in recent weeks ... why?" The doctor asked again.

 _'I can't say it. Saying it would make it real.'_ "Stress, I guess ..." Oliver said, avoiding the doctor's gaze.

"What about your friends? Your stepmother said that you are quite popular at school," He asked while playing with the pencil.

 _'Friends? Sadie. Sadie is his friend. Sadie ... how would he explain this to Sadie. More friends? Daniel, no, not Daniel. The others, teammates, the others ... partners to drink. Nothing else'_ but he couldn't tell the doctor that.

"I have a close friend, Sadie. And I get along with most of my classmates." Oliver said, curt, flat.

"Your stepmother mentioned a certain Daniel ..." and when he finished pronouncing the name, there was a silence.

Oliver's throat tightened. He closed his eyes tightly. _'No, Oliver ... pretend, say something, now!'_

"Ah, Daniel ... no, we are not that close anymore, it doesn’t matter." It was not true, and from the look the doctor gave him, he knew the doctor hadn't believed him.

"I see ... What do you do in your free time?"

"I study, read, listen to music, train, hang out with Sadie ..." He didn't want to think of anything else. It is what he always answers, although, in recent times, he no longer enjoyed any of those activities.

"Grace mentioned that she found empty alcohol bottles in your room and that a couple of times she found you drunk," the doctor crossed his legs and took off his glasses to rub his eyes.

"People my age drink, it's illegal, but they do it. I'm no exception. I try so hard at school; I try to do everything right. Dad is never home, and I understand. Gracie is nice, but she's not my mother. I try to be a good brother. If I keep getting good grades and excel in sports, why the hell don't they let me drink in peace? " His tone of voice was increasing; he spoke faster and faster; he could not stop. "Yes, it's true, my grades have dropped, and I have missed training, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a fucking robot." Oliver stopped abruptly.

"Breathe, Oliver, breathe, we don't have to talk about it now." Said the doctor in a soft voice. Oliver thought enough was enough; he was tired.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" The doctor asked the question as if it were a simple question, which would lighten the atmosphere, but it was the opposite.

The question echoed in his head over and over again: **_'Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? do you have a girlfriend?'_** he was fed up, in his head, he heard his father's voice _'Oliver, when are you going to bring a girl home'_ _'Oliver, you should find some girlfriend, a pretty girl,'_ and then he remembered Grace telling him secretly _'Don't Pay attention, you'll find someone special, all in good time_." He reminded his teammates, asking him if he would fuck Laura if he preferred blondes or brunettes, tits or asses. Oliver was fed up.

"Oliver? ... are you there?" The doctor said, trying to bring Oliver back into the conversation.

"I want to go home now; I'm fine. This was a mistake; I'm not depressed; it was just a mistake." Oliver said desperately.

"We're about to finish the interview Oliver ... I need you to calm down." The doctor said, reacting as calmly as possible.

Oliver began to feel cornered; the full weight of what had happened during the last two weeks fell on him. "I'm useless; I'm an idiot, I hate myself, I hate myself! I'm not even good enough to kill myself." Tears ran down his cheeks. He began to feel breathless, suddenly he was dizzy and began to sweat; he did not understand what was happening. In desperation, he pulled the IV from his right wrist. A jet of blood shot out, he heard the doctor's voice calling for the nurse as if he were miles away, and then, he closed his eyes.


	2. 'Where the fuck am I?'

Oliver woke up, confused, _'Where the fuck am I?'_

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then scanned his surroundings, trying to ignore his dizziness. He was in a room with light blue walls; on his left side, there was another bed with a nightstand and on the right side a window with a view of the houses in front of the clinic, completely closed. The curtains were petrol blue. There was a leather chair in front of the beds. Right below the window, a desk. He guessed that someone else was sleeping in that room, as he saw some books on the desk and nightstand and some pictures on the wall next to the left bed. A door next to the entrance to the room, just in front of the bed next to his that led to the bathroom, he supposed.

A short, dark-haired woman with hair tied in a ponytail walks into the room.

"Hi, my name is Louise. I'm a psychiatric nurse in this unit." She said, approaching her bed with a hospital gown and slippers in her arms.

 _'Psychiatric nurse. Great Oliver, fucking great,’_ he thought. "Excuse me, where do you say I am? Where is Grace?" He asked, looking at the nurse who left the clothes at the foot of the bed.

"You are in the Psychiatric Unit of the medical center," replied the nurse without expression. "I need you to put on this gown and slippers. Do you feel well enough to do it yourself?" she pointed to the clothes she had brought.

"Yes, I think so ... where is Grace?" Oliver insisted.

"I'll let your mother pass as soon as you finish putting on your hospital gown," said the nurse firmly.

"She's not my mother; she's my stepmother," he corrected; the nurse looked at him, sighed, and said, "Well, I'll be back in five minutes," and left the room.

Oliver was stunned, ' _there must be a mistake ...'_. He called Grace, naming her loud enough that his voice went through the wall but didn't feel like a scream.

The same nurse entered the room, "Do you have problems with your clothes?" she asks him dryly.

"No, it's not that ... I think there must be a mistake ... There's no reason for me to be here, I'm not crazy,” Oliver said, firm and disgruntled.

"If I got paid for every time a new patient says that to me ..." said the nurse in a low voice and a sigh. "Okay, I'll let the lady in, so she can help you. You look weak. I suppose you prefer her to help you instead of me," the nurse left the room and gestured for Grace to enter.

"Oliver, how are you feeling?" Grace asked, approaching him with a worried tone of voice and sitting on the bed next to him.

"Grace, you must get me out of here. I'm not crazy ... that was stupid, does dad know I'm here?" Oliver spoke desperately, suddenly he saw his hand with a bandage and was paralyzed.

"Oliver, I know you're not crazy. But you're not okay either, and I don't know how to help you." Grace told him, with a sad face as she gently caressed his face. She noticed that Oliver was looking at the bandages on his hand. "Do you remember what happened in the ER?" she asked.

"I was talking with the doctor ... but I don't know" Oliver was confused and dizzy; he couldn't remember exactly what had happened.

"The doctor said that before finishing the interview, you had a panic attack and took the IV out violently, and they had to sedate you," Grace said seriously, but she wasn't angry. Oliver was very ashamed.

"And what happened next?" he asked, trying to avoid nausea.

"The doctor told us what happened, and he talked to us. He said that he believed it was necessary to admit you and receive psychiatric treatment." Grace said, standing up and taking the clothes the nurse had left. "The nurse said you should wear this, for now, I'll go get some clothes and the basic things you need, you know, toiletries, towels and that kind of thing."

"Dad agreed to leave me here ?!" Oliver could not believe what was happening and was very upset, but stopped when he felt nausea getting worse.

"Yes, Oliver, your father, has already signed the papers. He had to leave for a meeting, though, sorry about that." Grace said while stretching the hospital gown.

"Is he mad at me?" Oliver asked, trying to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You know him. He was definitely not happy about it." Grace said, helping Oliver up.

_'Why is it that Grace is always trying to sweeten things up. Why doesn't she just say that my dad hates me right now, that I am a complete mess, that he is ashamed of me, that he was furious.'_

"Jeez, if he wanted to get me away from the family so much, he could have sent me to study far away, to fucking Europe or something like that," Oliver said as he took off his shirt with difficulty and continued, "Instead of locking me in a fucking loony bin."

Grace laughed through her nose but received a serious look from Oliver, "Sorry, your choice of words seemed to me at least ... exaggerated," she apologized as she received Oliver's shirt and folded it.

Oliver suddenly realized that he was undressing in front of Grace. It was a bizarre thing to feel confident enough with her not to feel intimidated; he stopped before taking off his pants and looked at her for a moment; she realized That Oliver was thinking about it.

"Oh, if you find it uncomfortable, I can close my eyes or turn around; I'm just worried you might fall. I'd go out, but the nurse would scold me, and if something happens to you-" she was interrupted by Oliver.

"No, Grace, it’s okay. I really can't do it alone. I feel like if I move too much, I'm going to throw up," Oliver said, he was pale.

It was Grace and not his mother, who was there. It was Grace who took care of her when he was sick. She attended parent meetings at school. She stayed up late helping him with projects. She was everything her mother never was. Oliver never understood why in fairytales, stepmothers were portrayed as heartless monsters. Grace was sweet and good. Grace was like a mother, but she was not _his_ mother. Where was his mother when he needed her? Wanting to escape from his father? He understood that. Leaving without him? He would never get it, and even if he never reproached her, this time, he wished she were there.

"Well, you haven't eaten anything. I don't know if you could really throw up anything," Grace said, smiling slightly. Oliver chuckled through his nose but made a face of discomfort. "Thanks for trusting me Oliver, I know I'm not your mother, but I ..." Grace said as she helped Oliver put on the hospital gown, but he didn't let her finish.

"I know, Grace. Please don't say it. Thank you." Oliver said, already dressed, sitting back on the bed.

"I'm going to let the nurse know you're ready," She said, heading to the door.

"Grace, what time is it?" He said, confused. He had lost track of time.

"Oh," she looked at her watch, "It's 4 pm."

"What?! Grace, have you eaten something?" he said, worried.

"Don't worry about that, you worry me more, you haven't eaten anything ... and sedatives don't count!" she smiled at him and left the room.

Oliver felt very guilty. He really hated making trouble.

The nurse brought in some papers and a scale. She helped him stand so she could measure his weight and height and then helped him back to bed, then measured his blood pressure, vital signs and took blood samples for tests, then she leaned out the door and let in two doctors. A mature man with a few gray hairs and a polished beard and a very young, short woman with long brown hair entered.

"Hello Oliver, I am Dr. Richard Warrick, just call me Dr. Richard. I will be your head-psychiatrist from now on.” The man smiled at him and then pointed at the woman. “This is Valerie; she is a student in practice, you will see her more than me, but you can always call me if necessary." He said, smiling; she waved her hand to say hello.

"Nice to meet you, Oliver," Valerie said. Oliver only nodded.

_'Fuck.'_

"I suppose you must be hungry, lunchtime is over, but I'll have a sandwich made for you for now, and at night, depending on how you feel, you can go to dinner with the other patients," said the man.

_'The other patients ... eating with crazy people, yeah, right.'_

"Ok," Oliver said; he just wanted them to leave.

"The nurse will give you more details, you will adapt soon, it is a lot of information, for now, just rest," said the woman, and they left.

After two minutes, Grace came in again.

"Oliver, I'll go home now to see Becca and Aaron. I'll get you some clothes and what you need." Grace reached over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Grace, please get me out of here, I beg you" he took her hand and held it tight.

"I can't. Please don't think this is easy for me. Having to tell Becca about this and invent something so as not to scare Aaron. But I know it's for the best, you need help, don't be scared, Oliver" She stroked his hand over the bandages gently.

"Don't leave me alone here, please!" Tears fell down Oliver's cheeks.

"Hey Oliver, I'm not abandoning you; we are not punishing you. You're going to be fine; you will get better." Grace wiped away his tears.

"How am I going to ‘get better’ surrounded by crazy people?" Oliver said, and at that moment, a nurse entered, blonde, freckled, with dark eyes and slim in a dark blue uniform, with a tray on which she carried a sandwich and yogurt for Oliver.

"We don't like to use that word here, young man!" Said the nurse smiling and walking towards Oliver. " The people here are recovering; they are struggling to overcome their problems. I know you are afraid of what is behind that door, and you might be thinking that it is just like in the movies, but this is not that kind of place," she said while he helped Oliver get comfortable so he could eat.

"See? Everything will be fine ... the nurse ..." said Grace looking at the young woman.

"My name is Amy," said the young woman with a giggle at the end; Grace smiled at her.

"Amy, I have to go get some things for Oliver. Can you stay with him for a moment?" Grace looked at her with begging eyes and a half-smile.

"Of course, don't worry!" Amy said, settling into a chair that was the one at the desk.

"I'll be back in no time," Grace said, heading to the door.

"Tell Becca that ... I'm fine," Oliver asked Grace, and she winked and left.

_Oliver's Room_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I wanted to say thank you to the people who read the previous chapter. It made me so happy. You have no idea how therapeutic this is being for me. As I said in the last chapter, the first few chapter can be a bit boring but they are necessary. The boys will finally meet on the next chapter yay!
> 
> Thanks again! 
> 
> Oh, and since I had some trouble describing the room in words, I drew it hehe.


	3. His eyes... his eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver sees Elio for the first time.

So, she's your mother? Asked Amy as she watched Oliver start eating his sandwich.

"No," he replied, trying not to talk with his mouth full, "She's my stepmother.

"You can tell she loves you very much; I really thought she was your mom," the nurse said with a smile.

_'Of course, that's what a mother would do, but certainly not mine, it seems.'_

Oliver didn't answer anything; she noticed that he had become uncomfortable and said, "I'll be right back; I'll go get you something to drink. Would water be okay"? She stood up from her chair and walked to the door. Oliver nodded, and she left the room.

After a few minutes, he overheard a conversation outside the room, left the empty tray on the table to his right, and tried to pay attention.

"Why can't I come in and wash my hands before the snack?  
"Elio, I thought you were told about the new admission..."  
"Amy, it's getting late; I need to go to the bathroom first... that's my routine."  
"You have a roommate now... he's here."  
"Un usurpateur est arrivé?” [Oliver didn’t understand it]  
“Stop with the French; I can't understand a word you say…”   
“Can we talk about it after I go to the bathroom? I don't want to mess my schedule."  
"Hey, Why did you come here alone, and Charlotte?"  
"She said you were here, Amy, please..."  
"Let me give this bottle to him, and I'll let you in."

Amy entered the room and handed Oliver a bottle of water.  
"Your roommate will come in. He's a very nice boy; there's no need to be afraid," Amy said quietly to Oliver and returned to the door.

"You can come in now," she said, opening the door and closing it after the boy entered. She took a few keys out of her pocket and opened the door in front of the beds. In that brief minute, both boys stared at each other without saying anything.

"Come on," said Amy. The boy went into the bathroom, and so did she.  
"Amy, you don't have to..." he complained, a little embarrassed.  
"The rules are the rules. Do you want Louise to scold me?" Amy said, holding the door.  
"No, of course not... nobody wants a scolding from that woman," said the boy, and the door closed.

* * *

OLIVER'S POV

_Fragile, beautiful. A tall boy, though not taller than me. His curly hair reached up to his chin, hiding the front hair behind his ears. The clothes he wears are very wide, black sweatpants, a giant black sweatshirt, too wide for him. Thin, fucking thin, how can he stand, even with all those wide clothes he can't hide it._  
_Our eyes meet. I observe his face trying to absorb all the information I can. His sunken cheeks, his marked jaw, and cheekbones, dark circles under his eyes. But his eyes... his eyes. I feel my heart pounding when I look into his eyes: green, sad, strong, deep, pure... fragile._  
_The nurse opens the bathroom with a key, goes in with him, he tells her it's not necessary, she says that rules are rules, what rules? Will I have to go to the bathroom with someone else too? He said something about a schedule. I don't understand. I don't understand anything. But his eyes... his eyes._

* * *

The young man and the nurse came out of the bathroom. As the nurse locked the door, the eyes of both young men met again. This time Elio gave him a shy smile, and Oliver just raised his hand in greeting.

\- Come on, Elio, I know you're in a hurry. We'll have time to talk about Oliver later...

 _‘Later...'_ thought Oliver as he watched them leave the room.

* * *

Oliver woke up suddenly when the door opened. It was Louise who came into the room with Grace, carrying a suitcase.

"How are you, Oliver? Are you feeling better?" said Grace smiling slightly, standing by the suitcase in front of his bed.  
"How are Becca and Aaron," Oliver asked without answering Grace, but the nurse did not let her answer.   
"You guys can talk after we get the clothes sorted and the information is given," she said earnestly, putting the suitcase on the left bed.   
"Sure, I'm sorry... let's get started," Grace said energetically, trying to lighten the mood.   
The nurse took a keyring out of her pocket and opened the right closet door, "This is Oliver's side of the closet. The left side is Elio's." Said the nurse showing them. 

Grace looked at Oliver. "You're going to have a roommate," she said, smiling at Oliver, but he felt a little uncomfortable about it.  
_'Maybe she thinks he's a psychopath, just like I thought before I saw...saw him.'_

"Yes, yes, we'll talk about that later.' The nurse said sharply, looking tired, she was certainly a rigorous woman. Oliver looked at Grace, seeing how the nurse's rough talk made her uncomfortable, but, as always, she tried to stay calm. 

_'Why does she have to be so damn rude?'_

"This unit, like the rest of the clinic, is fully air-conditioned and ventilated. As you can see, there are no windows open, at least not within easy reach," the nurse looked sharply at Oliver.

 _'It makes sense; I would also want to throw myself out of the window so I wouldn't be with this woman'._ Oliver laughed in his head, trying not to make any gesture that would give away his thought.

The nurse and Grace began taking out the clothes, folding them, and placing them in the closet. Everything was normal, as far as possible, until they had to put away two hoodies.

"I have to take the cord off," the nurse said without waiting for a response, removing it.

_'Fuck, it was my favorite. Whatever.'_

"You'll have to take the belt off," Louise said, holding it up to Grace, and she nodded. 

"It's good that you brought slippers, he can wear snickers but without the laces, and I don't know if that's very nice," she looked at Grace, waiting for an answer. 

Grace looked at Oliver, "Well, uh, tomorrow I'll go see if I can find some snickers without laces for you, is that okay?" Grace asked nervously.

"Whatever," said Oliver, receiving a sad look from Grace and corrected, "I mean, you don't have to bother. Grace smiled, "It doesn't bother me at all.

"Okay, there are two days a week where you can send out your laundry, or family members can take it home and then bring it back clean, whichever is better," the nurse said. Oliver looked at Grace, who was paying close attention to what the woman was saying. 

Suddenly, something important hit Oliver's head. ' _Fuck_ , _My cell phone.'_

"Where is my cell phone?" Oliver's voice broke out, and with a desperate look, both women looked at him in surprise.

"Oliver, I have it in my purse. It's turned off. I haven't touched it or turned it on. Becca gave it to me. I'll give it to you right now if you want" Grace made the gesture of opening the wallet but was interrupted by an order from the nurse.

"Cell phones are not to be used inside this unit unless authorized by the doctors, and we have been advised that Oliver cannot use it," Louise said firmly and harshly. "You can take it with you or leave it in the patient's locker. 

_'WHAT? I won't be able to use my cell phone? And how will I talk to Sadie, how will I explain to her... and how will I talk to Daniel... no, no. Don't think about Daniel.'_ Oliver began to feel dizzy.

"Locker?" Grace asked.  
"Each patient has a locker where he can keep personal items that he can eventually use with medical clearance. Some patients keep their hairdryers, hair straighteners, others their mp3 player and hearing aids that are used only under our supervision... things like that, no one has access unless they are authorized," explained the nurse. 

"So, Oliver, would you rather I have it or leave it in your locker?" Grace asked Oliver.

_'No one can find that conversation. No one can see that conversation.'_

"The locker," Oliver said, trying to sound calm but failing. 

"It's okay," Grace said, handing the cell phone to the nurse, who put it in a bag she took out of her pocket.

"I'll put the toiletries in the bathroom, but you can't use razor blades. It must be an electric machine, or let someone from the nursing staff do it for you," said the nurse and entered the bathroom with the toiletries.

This is getting ridiculous. Oliver thought

"I'll get you the electric machine. I forgot about it. I'm sorry," Grace said quietly.

"It's okay, thank you," Oliver said, avoiding looking at Grace. He felt bad about giving her so much trouble. She wasn't his mother. She didn't have to do that for him. He felt warmth in his chest, but he couldn't describe those emotions. He wanted to cry, but the nurse came back, closed the bathroom door, looked at him, and sighed. 

"Okay, now, let's talk about your roommate..." said the nurse with a tired gesture.

 ** _'Elio...'_ **Oliver thought, and his heart began to beat fast.


	4. A little different.

Nurse Louise started to speak but was interrupted by Amy, who abruptly opened the door.

"Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Vimini's mom wants to talk to you, and it's... urgent."

Louise snorted and, turning to Amy, said, "I was about to tell them about Perlman and the schedules, but now you will have to do it" It was not a request or a favor, but an order.

'Perlman ... that sounds Jewish ... my necklace, my star of David.' Oliver thought and brought his left hand, which did not have bandages around his neck. He realized that he was wearing a red bracelet with some information. He also discerned that he did not have his necklace with him, but he hid his worry and assumed that they must have requisitioned it, and desperately hoped that Grace would have it.

"No problem, I'll do it," Amy said briskly, trying to hide a cheerful tone, almost avoiding pissing off the older nurse.

"I'll take the suitcase to the counter. You can pick it up when visiting time is over," Louise said, looking at Grace, taking the suitcase and leaving, letting Amy into the room, closing the door behind her.

Amy walked over to Oliver and sat in the desk chair, moving it around so she could talk to him.

"So let's talk about your roommate Elio" Amy smiled at the name, and Oliver felt it difficult to swallow.

"Elio ... it's a beautiful name! it sounds like it's Spanish or Italian", Grace said, smiling slightly, looking at Oliver, "inspired maybe on the name of the Greek god Helius."

'Sun-god... I remember'

'Grace, so smart. Such a good, humble woman. She never boasts about her knowledge. As if I didn't remember that she taught me how to read, or how she would read to me before going to bed as if I had never seen her reading until late waiting for my father to get home. How can someone like her be with someone like my father? Why doesn't she run away as my mother did? '

"Wow! You got it right, part of his family comes from Italy." The young nurse smiled at Grace. "Well, there are things that I cannot tell you, as they do not concern me and are very personal, but we have been asked to talk to you because Elio is ... special".

_ 'Special ...' _ Oliver felt confused with the use of that adjective; euphemisms displease Oliver, mainly because he tends to use them a lot to hide things.

"I mean, a little different ... I mean, his treatment is a little different" Amy tried to correct herself.

"Elio is supposed to have a room for himself, but there is none available since Mr. Alby has priority for being a patient with a senile dementia condition. Before you get scared, Mr. Alby is a very kind gentleman; no need to be frightened, you'll meet him."

Oliver noticed that Grace was surprised to hear about the older patient but continued to listen to Amy.

"Since there were no more single rooms available and you needed to be here, it was decided that you would share a room, at least for a while until some of the patients were discharged." Amy breathed and continued, "I can't tell you in detail about his diagnosis, but I'm sure you've noticed something; it's a bit obvious." The nurse looked at Oliver with a pained look, as if Elio's situation really hurt her. Grace looked at Oliver to see her expression. Oliver nodded slightly.

"He has not had an easy time lately, but he is an adorable and very smart boy, brilliant, I would say." The young woman looked serious this time, although with a tender expression, "Something tells me that you will get along very well." She said, smiling, "But still, I must give you some indications. "

_ 'Indications...' _

"Because of his treatment, every day, he must get up at 7:15 am. His meals are half an hour earlier than those of the people with a different treatment. Before each meal, Elio goes to the bathroom, accompanied, and he cannot enter until half an hour after eating. That is why the bathroom will always be closed, but you can ask any nurse for the key to enter. On Tuesdays and Fridays, a nurse will come early to do some checkups on him. "Amy sighed. "And lastly, if ever you or he needs anything, if there is an emergency ... whatever it is, you must press the button under the light switch."

_ 'Emergency…'  _

__

"I know this seems like a lot, but I really hope you can understand..."

"That's okay. It doesn't bother me at all," Oliver said honestly.

Grace looked at him with a soft smile, the way a mother would look at her child when taking pride in raising a kind and empathetic person.

"Thanks, Oliver," said Amy, pleasantly surprised. "Well, I think it's time for you to put on comfortable clothes so you can go out to meet the others and have dinner with them, plus you and Grace can also meet your new roommate."

"Yes, okay," Oliver agreed.

Amy opened the closet; Grace took out the clothes Oliver selected and locked it again. Grace stayed behind to make sure Oliver was okay. Once Oliver was dressed and secure, looking at Grace, he asked, "Grace ... do you have my necklace?"

"Of course, I do, that nurse, Louise will never get her hands on it!" Grace said, smiling like she was a little girl hiding mischief.


	5. Some silhouettes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small update because I needed to let it out of my head.  
> It has been quite therapeutic.  
> Remembering the place, the situation. Woah.  
> If someone is reading this, thank you, for your patience and AAAAA for reading my shit. basically heh.

**OLIVER'S POV**

I left the room. The young nurse, Amy, was waiting outside and smiled at me; I looked away, I was very embarrassed, and although I don't want to acknowledge it, I am afraid to meet them. Grace closed the door behind us, and Amy invited us to follow her. I'm dizzy. I don't know if it's from fatigue, tiredness, the stomach pump, or that the sedatives weren't wearing off yet. Fear.   
As I walked down the unity hall, feeling my legs shaking a little, I had a hard time feeling that what was happening was real. Had I really sunk that low? I didn't want to think. I looked down at the floor, light-colored tiles. On the right, blue armchairs next to the doors, one, two, three doors next to mine. On the left, a room with transparent walls, we stop in front of it.   
"Oliver, this is the group therapy room, it's closed now, but you can meet it tomorrow." His voice tone is animated, but I am not interested in entering any room, least of all group therapy.  
What time is it? I ask, '7:30,' Grace answers.   
"Visiting hours end at 7:45 with very few exceptions," the nurse told us, a bit uncomfortable. That means Grace will have to leave soon, and I'll be alone. But I didn't have time to think about it anymore. I heard some screaming in the small room next door. The walls were glass but not transparent, so you could only see some silhouettes.  
I was paralyzed. 

* * *

"I can't do it. I can't do it... I can't. I can't do it anymore." Elio said between cries  
"Elio, please breathe," a nurse was trying to calm him down.  
"Please don't force me; it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't... Maman, I can't." Elio was inconsolable, desperate.  
"Piccino..." his mother approached Elio and hugged him, hugging with pain what little was left of her only son. But she knew she had to be strong. He needed her.  
"You know what's going to happen if you don't finish your meal, Elio," the long-haired nurse looked at him sadly and worried.  
Suddenly Nurse Louise walked in, along with two nursing technicians in pale blue suits. 

* * *

**Oliver's POV**

I saw Nurse Louise go into that room with two other people. Amy doesn't look surprised but very worried. I think she noticed my fear reaction, and taking me by the forearm and giving Grace an inviting look made us keep walking. Was he the one who was like that? I tried to shake the thought out of my head. 


	6. "By accident."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver meets Marzia and Christine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some parts of this chapter may be trigger for some people, I want to put this warning even if it is already in the tags, because I am very concerned. This fic is helping me a lot to process my experiences. Thanks in advance for reading. Please take good care of your mental health.

**OLIVER'S POV**

  
The screaming did not stop, but Amy tried to hide her concern, and the sincerity of her apprehension somewhat touched me. A corridor divided the small room with the reception desk in front of a small room where I could see people, probably from the staff. I tried not to look anyone in the eye. In front of that table there is a big dining room, several tables together that form one big rectangle and a few armchairs around it, there are people, there is the noise of conversations, and I feel looks on me, my legs are shaking, my hands are sweating, I shouldn't be here. 

Suddenly I felt a sense of unreality take over completely, almost as if it were all a feverish dream, I felt the sound of my blood pumping in my ears, and I could only see Grace and Amy moving their lips as they talked, but I did not understand. Grace put her hand on my shoulder. I guess she realized something was wrong with me, and when I got back to reality, fucking reality, I was at the other end of the unit. A small space with couches and a TV, some board games on a shelf. Right there was a small balcony, glass walls, and doors. It had protection on the window so that it was ventilated, but nobody could... try anything. It was a smoking area, Amy said, and she asked me if I smoked. I told her I didn't have the habit, just the occasional one. That was partly a lie. I had been getting high lately, not just for fun. She then explained that if I wanted to smoke, I had to get permission from the psychiatrist and that then they would have to bring me cigarettes. Grace looked at me with a broken smile. I could tell this was being difficult for her too.   
Taking advantage of the fact that no one was there, Amy left us alone. We both sat down and remained silent for a few minutes, but the contemplative silence was broken by a sigh from Grace, who looked at me with sad eyes and a smile that tried hard to cheer me up. I stood still and tried to hold back my tears. 

\- It will be a few minutes before I leave, Oliver. You... You'll be all right?   
\- I don't know. I guess so.   
\- I'll bring the snickers and the shaving machine tomorrow, in the afternoon.  
I just nodded.  
\- Is there anything else you want me to bring?  
\- Yes... if you can... please bring me a notebook and a pencil.   
\- Okay   
\- And a book.   
Grace smiled.   
\- Something specific?  
\- I can't think of any right now... could you... could you choose one yourself?   
Grace smiled again. I'm sorry. Grace shouldn't be doing any of this.   
\- Sure!   
\- Oh, please... tell Becca... Tell her that I'm really sorry, do you think... I could talk to her?   
\- I'll give her your message, Oliver. She was very worried about you.   
\- I know.   
\- Do you want me to get in touch with someone else?  
My mom, I wonder if she already knows, I wonder if she'll travel for me. No... no. I thought about Sadie, but I don't want to worry her. I can't think. I thought about Dan, and then I felt dizzy. No.  
\- No, don't tell anyone.   
Grace looked at me strangely.  
\- Not even your friends?   
\- I... I can't think about any of that right now.   
I had a lump in my throat. I can't think.   
\- I understand.

  
Amy came in and told us that visiting hours were over. Grace is leaving. I'm officially trapped here.   
We walked down the hall back to the reception desk; many people were hugging each other in the dining room, saying goodbye. I didn't want to look at anyone.   
\- Well, it's time to go. Don't worry about anything, Oliver, rest.   
I just nodded. She understood my silence and left. I couldn't say anything to her, I tried to say thank you, but the words came out almost like a sigh that she couldn't hear.  
Once the people in the dining room and others who came out of some rooms left, the unit became quieter, with only the television's sound in the background.   
I didn't know what to do; I was paralyzed, completely still.

Suddenly, I heard some female voices whispering and laughing softly, suddenly...

-Hey, do you want to come with us? 

_Shit._

I turned around. They were two girls, apparently my age. The first one was wearing a pair of jeans and a striped T-shirt, she had long brown hair, a very particular nose. Her body posture was shy, a tight half smile. On her right side, a girl a little taller than the first one, dressed in gray sweatpants and a navy blue hood a couple of sizes bigger than hers. Her hair was short and dyed reddish orange from a little less than halfway down and although I didn't hold my gaze long, I noticed her blue eyes and a shy to mischievous smile.

I pointed to myself.

  
\- Me?   
\- Yeah, you. Come on. We are fucked in the head but according to the psychiatrists we are not psychopaths.- said the girl with dyed hair.  
Both girls laughed lightly. The joke made me relax a bit and come closer, they sat on the couch in front of the nurses' station in the dining room. 

\- So your name is Oliver...- the girl with the dyed hair was sitting on my left with her legs crossed on the couch.  
\- H... how do you know?!  
\- I can read minds.  
\- Actually, she read your name off your bracelet - the dark girl sitting on my other side pointed at my left wrist, looked at me and smiled slightly, her eyes were sad and her voice was shy. 

\- That's right, my name is Oliver.   
The girl with short hair stretched out her right hand, as I looked at the hand she was offering me I noticed her knuckles were hurt, I tensed up a bit but accepted her greeting.  
\- Nice to meet you, Christine.   
\- This is Marzia- she answered me by looking at the other girl, I turned to see her.  
\- Hello- she greeted me shyly, I tried to smile at her.

\- Then... why did they lock you up?  
\- Christine - Marzia scolded her  
\- What? We would end up knowing anyway - she defended herself. - Well, I'll tell you first.I was admitted because... - she rolled up the sleeve of her hoodie, her forearm was bandaged, then she covered it again - Borderline.- I didn't know what to say. I was not afraid, nor was it in my mind to run away. I don't really know what that meant.  
\- Borderline?- I asked.  
\- Like Marzia, but much faster," she answered and they both laughed.  
\- I don't understand...- I really didn't.  
\- I have bipolar disorder. - Marzia wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought someone could be when telling something so personal.  
My muscles tightened.  
\- I understand...- I said that, but it wasn't true.   
\- Well, your turn- said Christine.

  
_Shit_. 

  
\- Uhm... I took some pills and mixed them with alcohol by accident.-   
\- Oh... I see, 'by accident'- Christine said in a skeptical tone.  
\- I've been there- Marzia was trying to make me feel better maybe

Several people began to arrive at the dining room, apparently it was dinner time. 

_Shit_.

\- Oh, you're going to meet the rest of the loonies!  
\- Christine! - Louise appeared behind us and scolded her.  
\- Shit.  
\- What did you say?!  
\- Chips! I hope there are chips for dinner.   
The nurse looked at her disapprovingly.   
\- Bitch.  
I laughed a little, but stopped right away. Christine was right, I would meet the rest of the loonies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can guess, Christine's character is based on the movie Lady Bird but has different characteristics, mainly her diagnosis.
> 
> Thanks to those who have commented and read. Thank you very much. Take care!


	7. Are you scared?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver meets some other patients and introduces himself to Elio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had uploaded this chapter before, but upon rereading it I realized that something had happened and it had gone wrong. Now I reviewed it and I think it looks better. 
> 
> Thanks to all of you who read this story.  
> Again, some things may be triggers, please prioritize your mental health over any story. 
> 
> Thank you again.

\- Are you scared? - Marzia asked me.

I looked at her and did not feel able to utter a word. I just nodded.

A young man of average height, slightly thick built, and dark brown hair approached us. 

\- Are you the new guy? - He asked me, throwing me a Rubik's Cube. It comforted me to realize that despite my condition, I still had good reflexes. 

\- You better not act like a jerk, Steve - Christine defended me. She took the Rubik's Cube from my hands and threw it back at him.

\- Hey, I didn’t do anything...- he said, looking at Christine after catching the cube. -What's your name? - he asked me in a friendly tone this time.

\- Oliver - it was only then that I was able to hold my gaze

\- Well, Oliver, you look like someone who likes sports- 

I hate that people assume things about me because of my appearance, but at the same time, I understand that that's the way it is... after all, that's the wall I created.

\- Yeah, I guess… - I answered. 

Even without looking at her, I felt Marzia's eyes on me.

\- I told you so! - he cheered, directing his gaze at another man who was settling into one of the table chairs.

\- Awesome! - celebrated the man looking back at me with a wide, thin smile and a somewhat unkempt short beard. Steve went to sit next to the man.

\- That's Nic - Christine told me –He’s been here the longest, after Mr. Eric, although both will probably be discharged soon - she said it very happy as if she was pleased to see them better. 

\- Why... - I stopped in the middle of the question. Maybe I shouldn't ask.

\- Why are they here? – 

I just nodded.

\- Don't be afraid to ask. It's okay - Marzia backed me up again, and Christine confirmed by nodding with a smile.

\- Nic is in rehab for meth addiction, but he's actually doing much better - Christine seemed very confident of his improvement. 

\- Mr. Eric has been here the longest, but he will probably be discharged next week - Marzia said in a happy tone as well.

\- Wow! Next week?! - Christine was surprised - I didn't know! We should make a gift for him at the workshop - Marzia laughed a little and said yes. I didn't know what she meant by 'workshop,' but I didn't want to ask. 

\- Mr. Eric is here for alcoholism - Marzia clarified, returning to the topic.

\- By the way, where is he? – Christine examined the place with her eyes, looking for the man.

\- They gave him a pass today and went home. Let's hope everything goes well- replied the other girl. 

At that moment, they asked us to wash our hands for dinner, so I went to my room. Before entering, I heard some complaints that I could not distinguish, but I went in anyway. The scene broke my heart. 

Elio was lying in his pajamas under the covers. Two nurses, including Louise, were at his side, inserting a tube through his nose. Elio's uncomfortable face completely paralyzed me. I felt so helpless, desperate that I couldn't save him from the situation. He looked so fragile. I noticed that he had been crying, and he kept crying as they performed the procedure. He realized that I was there, and so I quickly left the room. I wanted to cry, but Amy showed up. 

\- Oliver...- She looked at me, trying to figure out what I was feeling.

\- I just... I just came to wash my hands. 

\- I understand, it's okay.- she understood that I didn't want to talk about it. -For now, use the staff bathroom. Then you go to dinner.-

I felt dizzy, and she noticed, so she took me by the arm to the staff bathroom. And when I came out, I went to dinner with the rest of the patients. 

Marzia and Christine had saved a seat for me in between. I was grateful for that. 

I remained silent. There were eight of us at the table. Everyone stood up and went to get their food when their name was called. The cutlery was made of a material that did not allow cutting any surface other than food wow. 

Steve was sitting at the head of the table in front of the kitchen window through which we were delivered our tray. To his right was Nic, then another man who appeared to be in his twenties. 

\- I see we have a new member! - the woman next to the twenty-year-old said with a smile. Something about her reminded me of my mom. Fucking mommy issues. _Fuck_. 

\- Right! - The young man reacted - I am Miles - he introduced himself with a smile. Part of me wondered why someone like him would be here. He looked so composed, so clean, so... 'normal.'

\- My name is Oliver -

\- I am Beth- she smiled at me. She had wavy black hair that went down the middle of her back. Her look was somewhat maternal. She looked like she was in her thirties.

 _Shit_. She really reminds me of my mom. I couldn't help but smile. 

\- I'm Emma - I heard the voice of the woman sitting next to Marzia. I didn't get a good look at her even though Marzia settled down to let me see her. I waved my hand. 

I hoped that they would not ask me any questions. They must have noticed my uneasiness. But some of them shared part of their story with me.

Nic is 32 years old. He was admitted after an overdose more than five months ago, but this is not the first time he has been in a place like this. He was very open about his experience. I felt bad that I didn't feel good enough to return the trust, but I think he understood. I hope so. 

Steve has schizophrenia. Well, he was hospitalized because he was hallucinating all the time and had other psychotic symptoms. A week ago, he was told that only a few tests were missing to confirm schizophrenia. I was surprised that he didn't feel embarrassed to tell me about it, but I must confess that I was a little scared when almost at the end of dinner he rubbed his napkin hard against his mouth and put the chair away by dragging it and went to his room. 

\- Don't worry, it happens often. He feels saturated and prefers to leave...- Marzia explained to me, trying to make it sound natural.

\- He says that if he spends too much time with people, 'it diminishes his energy field' - Christine told me, I thought it was a joke, but his serious tone convinced me that it was the truth. 

Dinner was over; things were picked up. Some just sat there talking. I was feeling exhausted. I wanted to go to my room, but I realized that some doctors had come into the room. _Will he be okay?_ I thought about going to ask Amy, but from what I saw, she wasn't there, so I assumed her shift was over. 

I went over to that area at the other end. No one was there, so I just sat there, feeling ridiculous and alone. I looked at a clock on the wall above the TV. It was 9:45 pm. I began to think about the events of the previous day, the little I remembered bits. I didn't want to think. Instead, my head returned to the image of Elio. 

I don't know how many minutes passed. I felt the sound of footsteps approaching. But I didn't react. 

\- Are you OK? - It was Beth. The one that reminds me of my mother.

\- Yes. - I lied 

\- Hm... I don't believe you, but it's okay if you don't want to tell me. - her tone of voice was serious but sweet.

\- I... don't know. I guess I'm still not used to it. - I tried to fix the lie.

\- It's fine... Oliver? -She said, doubting if she remembered my name well.

\- Yes. 

\- How old are you, Oliver? - he asked me almost as if he were asking a small, lost, frightened child who was looking for his parents.

\- Seventeen. You? - I replied. She giggled slightly. I realized I shouldn't have asked her age - I'm sorry! I shouldn't have...I didn’t mean to-. I attempted to correct myself, but she smiled at me.

\- Don't worry, it's okay. I don't mind my age. I am 32 years old. - She made the gestures with her fingers, first three fingers up and then two. I felt like a little kid. I didn't know what to say. - I'm a teacher.- she continued. 

_That explains a lot_ , I thought without saying anything.

A very brief silence.

\- Do you miss anyone? Your family? Friends? Partner? - she asked, looking at me.

\- I don't... I don't know. - I didn't feel ready to explain. I looked at her left wrist; it was bandaged. 

-Well… I do. I'm married, and I have two children, a 4-year-old girl, and a 6-year-old boy. I miss them very much. I haven't been able to my kids for more than a few minutes in the last month. - I was impressed by her confession.

Why would a mother try to kill herself and leave her children alone? My mother left without killing herself; she left for the opposite, to live her life. I tried hard not to judge her, but it was difficult. 

\- Why? - I don't know where I got the courage to ask that. I regretted it immediately. She looked at me with big, open eyes.

\- I... I don't know - the way she said it; I had no choice but to believe her.

Luckily, a nurse called us.

We went to the front desk. Everyone lined up and received medication, and I was no exception. When it was my turn, the nurse introduced herself; her name was Rosie, short, plump, and rosy-cheeked. I dared to ask her what the medication was for. She indicated that it was for a good night's sleep but that tomorrow I could ask the psychiatrist for more details. I nodded and swallowed the medication with the help of a small plastic cup with water that she gave me.

I saw the clock on the wall at the entrance to the medical staff cubicle. It was already 10:00 pm. I decided to go to the room to rest.

When I went in, I saw him again.

Fragile, sleepy, with a feeding tube up his nose connected to a machine that made a slight but constant sound. His posture was semi-sitting with the pillows settled.

I noticed that he was looking at me, with sad green eyes that were struggling not to close. I approached him a little, slowly so as not to scare him.

\- My name is... I am... - the words didn't come out, he smiled slightly, and it gave me the courage.

\- Oliver - I told him, staring at him, trying to soften my voice

\- Elio...- was the only thing he said, looking at me also before closing his eyes and falling asleep. 

It was strange to feel how we introduced each other, almost referring to each other by our own names. 

I went outside to call someone who could help me open the closet and the bathroom to put on my pajamas and rest. 

The last thing I thought about until the medication took effect…

Elio, who was sleeping soundly in the bed next to mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the characters represent people I met during my rehabilitation.  
> I met a Steve, and yes, he thought that people could "weaken his energy field" and he always left places out of nowhere at the most unexpected times.  
> I also met a Beth, an amazing woman with two wonderful children.  
> I met them and I don't think I will ever forget them. 
> 
> ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> Thanks for reading my shit. ❤️  
> Means a lot!


	8. It's not because of that.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver meets Vimini. Elio resents a question from Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for your comments. They have made me very very happy.  
> I am a little worried because I feel that the story is moving very slowly? On the other hand, I think I want to take the time to tell it in detail, but as they are suddenly dense scenes, at least in this part of the story, I prefer the shorter chapters so as not to have that feeling of heaviness. Anyway, I will be updating the story very often and I will try to soften some dense things, allowing me to lengthen the chapters. 
> 
> ❤❤❤Thanks again ❤❤❤

**OLIVER'S POV**

I woke up in the middle of the dawn because I heard some sobbing, weak cries.   
When I opened my eyes, I didn't know where I was.   
Disoriented.   
_This is not my bed._

  
I sat down numb, remembering in my mind where I was. I could make out his silhouette just by the light from the sky that was brightening up and slipping through the window.   
I think he was having a nightmare.   
I stared and didn't really know what to do. Should I press the button, Amy told me to?  
I stopped to get closer to the button, but he stopped me.   
\- Don't... don't do it. - he said from his bed, his breathing heavy and his voice drowsy.   
\- Are you... are you okay? - I asked, looking at him.   
\- I had a bad dream, that's all. I'm sorry I woke you up. - He apologized.  
I went back and sat on my bed, looking at him.   
\- Do you need anything? - I asked him nervously  
\- No... thank you. –   
\- Does this happen to you very often? - I immediately regretted asking him. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable or feel guilty.  
\- Are you asking me if I will interrupt your sleep every night? - he said, annoyed.  
\- No... it's not because of that. - I wanted to clarify to him that it was really because I was worried... although I didn't really know why. Maybe I'm afraid that his heart will stop in the middle of the night and I can't do anything, but I can't tell him that.   
He did not answer anymore. I went back to sleep, but It was hard; I kept thinking, what could he have been dreaming of? 

* * *

A nurse came in in the morning. As the sun was not yet fully up, she turned on the lights. Oliver pretended to be sleeping, but he had been awake for a while.  
\- Elio...- called the nurse - wake up, it's time to start the day!- Oliver recognized that voice. It was from Amy.   
\- Hey...- Elio said, rubbing his eyes to wake up and accidentally pulled the tube - damn it!   
\- Hey! - Amy scolded him for the rudeness.   
\- I'm sorry... - Elio let out a little laugh - What time is it?   
\- It's 7:10 am - you should take a shower  
\- Hey, are you sure this is a place for crazy people and not a militarized one? - Elio got up slowly in bed. Amy laughed a little  
\- I'm sure - he approached Elio and disconnected the tube from the machine - Hey, what have we discussed about the term 'crazy'?- Elio rolled his eyes.  
\- How long will I have to stay with this damn thing?- He stood carefully.  
\- That depends,- Amy said as she headed for the closet, opening the doors. - Are you going to eat on your own and finish your meals? -   
\- Merda, è sempre la stessa storia. - Elio complained and selected some clothes from the closet.   
\- Stop talking in French! - Amy scolded him sympathetically  
\- It's Italian, Amy -   
\- Whatever! I know you said a bad word! - Amy closed the closet door on Elio's side and left the door on Oliver's side open. Then she opened the bathroom door. - Come in, you have 10 minutes, or I'm coming in,- Amy said, trying not to sound so harsh.  
\- I know, thank you. - Elio put one hand on Amy's shoulder and then went into the bathroom.

Oliver opened his eyes.   
\- Hey! Good morning, Oliver! - Amy came over smiling - how did you sleep?   
Oliver thought about telling her what had happened but wasn't sure if that would get Elio in trouble, so he just responded cordially.   
\- I slept well, thank you. –  
\- I'm glad. The door of your closet is open if you want you can go and choose some clothes.- The nurse said, looking at the closet and then at Oliver, who stood up and selected his attire and took out a towel for the shower. He didn't feel like it, though. Then he went back to bed.   
As Amy shook Elio's sheets and arranged a few things in the room, after five minutes, she decided to talk to Oliver to make the silence they shared less uncomfortable, only filled by the sound of the shower water.   
\- So... did you meet the other patients? - Amy asked, smiling, curious.   
\- Yes... Christine and Marzia were quite helpful - Oliver tried to repay Amy's attempt at rapprochement, even though he didn't feel like talking. Amy smiled as she heard the girls' names.  
\- Who else? - she asked again.  
\- Steve, Nic, Emma... Beth - suddenly Oliver remembered the interrupted conversation he had with Beth the night before.  
\- So you don't know all of them yet...  
\- They mentioned that one of them was able to go home for the day...- Oliver said, confused   
\- Yes, Mr.Eric- she clarified, - So you don't know Chiara and Vimini yet? - the nurse asked curiously.  
\- No...- he answered shyly.  
\- Today, you will meet them. They are nice girls. Vimini is the youngest of all. She is an adorable girl.- Amy said, smiling, and made Elio's bed.- 

Someone knocked on the door and then slowly opened it.   
A very young girl, skinny with very light skin and big eyes, peeked out with long wet, light brown hair.   
\- Hi! You must be Oliver! - she said shyly; Oliver waved back by raising his hand and nodding.  
\- Vinini! What are you doing here? You haven't dried your hair yet! - Amy said, worried

\- Relax. I came to see if Elio is better. I knew that yesterday was not a good day for him - the girl had a sad tone in her voice but an encouraging attitude.  
\- He's in the bathroom taking a shower. -Amy gave her back a smile. - Does Louise know you're here? - Her gesture turned to concern.  
\- No... but calm, Charlotte authorized me - the little one reassured her - I'll wait outside - the girl closed the door behind her.   
Elio came out of the bathroom, dressed. Baggy gray sweatpants, big blue hoodie.  
\- Je suis prêt. -   
\- You didn't let me know! - the nurse gave him a sharp look  
\- Relax Amy, I dressed with my back to the mirror. I'm fine. - Elio was a bit annoyed.   
\- It's okay, but you have to let me know next time. If Louise finds out... - Amy walked up to Elio.   
\- I know, don't worry. - At that moment, Elio saw that Oliver was awake. He looked at him roughly and left the room without saying hello, without saying anything.

Amy noted the tension between the two but said nothing about it. She went after Elio.

_"Shit,"_ Oliver thought, _"he hates me."_

* * *


	9. Who are you, Oliver?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a long hiatus.  
> Well, it wasn't planned.  
> I was stressed and then I decided to write a few chapters and then upload them periodically so I would have more time to edit or change anything and then... well, everything got quite chaotic.  
> With everything that happened, I hesitated to continue writing. It hurt me a lot to feel that something as precious to me as CMBYN's story would be tainted and more so with such sensitive topics that will even be included in the fic, and that makes me hurt even more because it was a very safe space for me. But in the end, I write this story more for me than anything else, and it really has been therapeutic. And the characters in the book are still the characters in the book. In my head, I've been looking for another figure to play Oliver, in my attempt to completely disassociate the actor from the character. 
> 
> I don't know if anyone enjoys this read, but, personally, I think everyone should make the best decision for their mental health and emotional stability. Best wishes.

At 7:45, Oliver took a quick shower and went out to the dining room for breakfast at 8:30, walked down the corridor until he reached the nurses' main table. There was a row of the other inmates, he wanted to get closer to someone, but he felt too far away -emotionally-, but it was not necessary, a warm voice called his name: it was Marzia, the last one in the row making soft gestures to get closer.

"Good morning, Oliver," the greeting accompanied by a semi-rotary smile, "Good morning..." Oliver answered, confused and shy, wanting to ask without being able to articulate a complete sentence. "This is the line for the morning medication, before breakfast." Marzia's response to Oliver's unpronounceable concern was a relief, "I don't know if you have to take any medication, but it would be good if you could stand in line with us so that you can ask," the girl suggested. Oliver felt that her voice was tender but sad. However, he could tell she was trying hard not to sound like that.

Oliver stood behind Marzia to wait, but she gave him her place. "You can go first." Oliver nodded in appreciation and took place offered; in front of him, a sleepy Christine in pajamas turned to him and waved, "Hey, good morning boy," the last syllable ended in a yawn, "Good morning," Oliver responded. She turned around again, and he felt uneasy remembering his sister Becca's greetings in the morning. Still, he didn't have time to wander too much in the bitter thought; the line was advancing fast. It was Christine's turn.

"Christine, you can't come to breakfast in your pajamas," a short-haired elderly woman scolded in a sweet but firm tone, "It's too early," she complained, "Rules are rules," said the nurse technician and gave her two glasses, one with water and the other with the medications. She took the pills, "Open your mouth, please," the nurse ordered, "Are you serious?" Christine grumbled. "New protocol, you know why" the nurse gave a scolding look but one that showed not anger but deep concern. "Oof, nobody believes me that it was for scientific purposes," the woman let out a small laugh. "Christine... open that mouth," she ordered with the greatest seriousness in the world. Christine reluctantly obeyed and went to the table. Oliver's turn. 

'You must be the new admission' the nurse looked at the chart. 'Oliver?' she pronounced the name without looking at the boy, "Yes, I-I'm not sure if I should be in this line... it's just that I saw the others here and..." Oliver felt his heart beating hard and fast from anxiety. "I understand, it's okay, they left you a medication" the nurse looked at him and handed him two little plastic cups; in one, there were two pills, in the other, water. Oliver wanted to ask what kind of drugs they were, what they were for, but he didn't dare, and returning the glasses, showing his open mouth, he withdrew, thanking by only nodding his head.

He sat down at the table, this time, Christine and Marzia were sitting together, and there was no room for Oliver. Although feeling lonely, he knew he could not demand anything from them; he did not know them after all.

The dining room had the classic mix of smells of breakfast among many people, milk, coffee, toast. Oliver ate his breakfast in silence, feeling like a busybody, an eavesdropper. On one side, the voice of a sleepy Christine answering Nic's questions; Marzia watching the scandalized look of Mrs. Emma; and the shy smile of Beth adding comments loaded with a softness that made Oliver wish he were a child again. He immediately shook the thought.

Breakfast was over. It was already 9:15. Oliver went back to his room; no one was there.

He sat at the desk facing the window, looked out at the scenery outside, thinking about how it seemed like the world had stopped, that everything outside that place didn't really exist, that everything had frozen, but no. The others were still outside. He wondered if Sadie, perhaps, was worried, "Of course she is." He wondered if Daniel, no.

The door opened.

"There you are! You're Oliver, right?" asked a young man, tall, green eyes, short brown hair, growing but neat beard, dressed in a white coat with a dangling ID card. Oliver was dazzled. He could only nod. "I'll introduce myself," the doctor started by entering the room, saying 'excuse me.' _So polite_ , Oliver thought. "I am Lorenzo, completing my specialization in psychiatry; actually I already completed my course about two weeks ago but came back for a bit because the other trainee is on sick leave." Oliver gave him a worried look.

"Don't worry, she is fine, but she won't be able to come for another week. I will be your psychiatrist for now," the young man finished with a smile. Oliver tried not to look at him too much. He felt a kind of shame rising from the core of his being to the rest of his body. ' _Say something,'_ he thought to himself. "Is she really okay?", it wasn't that he cared at all, but he had to say something before running off. "Sure, sure she is. Apparently, it's just a simple cold, nothing serious, but they made her stay home." The calmness and harmony in his voice was a balm to Oliver's ears. "Well, Oliver... Will you accompany me to the therapy room?" the doctor said in an almost spontaneous tone making a gesture of pointing his thumbs in the direction of the room. Oliver nodded and accompanied him.

They walked down the hallway to the opposite side and went through a door that led to the psychiatrists' section. Oliver entered the first door on the left behind the doctor, sitting down where the doctor indicated. The doctor sat down in an armchair across from him and asked the most frightening question:

**_Who are you, Oliver?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes, I had a crush on my first psychiatrist. It was just as I described, of course I would never do or did anything about it. I always admired him very much and wanted to heal myself so I could become as smart as he was. Oh, shame on me.


	10. Not everyone wants to hurt you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> \- Mention of BP, BPD, SH, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, ED.

Elio was walking down the hall towards his room when he saw Oliver leave with the young psychiatrist, whom he recognized immediately. He decided to go back and went to the back room, where Marzia, Christine, and Chiara were in the smoking area.  
“Our little bird!” Christine said, smiling when she saw Elio enter. He smiled and asked, “Where is Vimini?” while sitting next to Marzia. “She is in session with the nutritionist and her mother,” Chiara replied, letting the smoke escape her mouth. Elio leaned back in the chair. “I assume she was not very excited about it,” he said; the girls smiled slightly. “You know how that woman is ...” Chiara added bitterly. “I would say she’s crazy, but it would be insulting us” Christine made the others laugh and continued, “It’s true! She is not ‘crazy’ like us; she is just very cruel.” The others agreed, and Marzia ended the subject by saying, “Let’s hope she does well today, last time we had a hard time raising her spirits again.”

  
After a brief silence, Chiara asked, “Hey, how’s your new roommate?” bringing the cigar back to her mouth when asking the question looking at Elio, he could see Chiara’s interest in her eyes. Still, Christine went ahead. “He’s... very nice,” she smiled. The girl settled into the chair, hugging her legs after putting out the cigarette and leaving the butt in the ashtray. “You can tell he’s going through something...” Marzia added. “I haven’t seen him yet,” Chiara laughed softly. “Why is he here?” she asked; “Pills,” Christine answered, and Chiara blew out the cigarette smoke by exclaiming a slow “Oh.” At the same time, Elio opened his eyes and settled in the chair, uncomfortable. He did not know the reason for Oliver’s arrival until now. “But do you know anything else about him?” Chiara asked again.   
At that moment, they all looked at Elio, and when he realized the inquisitive looks, he replied a bit annoyed, “What?! Why are you looking at me like that? In case you don’t remember, yesterday was a bad day, I was on medication, and they shoved this fucking tube up my nose” he pointed at his face, “but this guy is an idiot,” Elio said taking his eyes to his shoes and hiding his hands in the sleeves of the hoodie, it was cold in that place. Christine opened her eyes in surprise, “Why are you saying that?! Did something happen?! she interrogated him and changed her position quickly, sitting almost on the end of the chair. “Last night I had a nightmare,” upon hearing that Marzia made a face of worry. Elio continued, “and I woke up in the middle of the night, he asked me if that it happened often.” The girls were silent for a few seconds. Chiara put out the cigarette butt in the ashtray and ended the silence by saying, “And ...” Gesturing for Elio to continue. “That’s it. he got upset because I had a nightmare,” Elio said as if it were obvious. “Did he expressly tell you that this is something that bothered him, or did he say it in a rude tone?” Marzia asked him that question seriously and calmly. “No… not exactly,” he paused a bit and then continued, “He asked me if I was okay or if I needed something,” the girls looked at him incredulously, “And then he asked if that is something that happens to me often.” He finished telling the story, and the girls looked at each other. “He was worried about you, silly,” Christine grinned. Elio felt ridiculous. “Of course not, he wasn’t,” he tried to defend himself. “Oh, little bird ...” Chiara told him with a broken smile, Marzia said softly, looking for Elio’s gaze, “not everyone wants to hurt you.”

At that moment, Louise entered the living room. She said firmly, “Chiara, the nutritionist is waiting for you in your room,” the girl nodded. “Christine, your mom, and the psychiatrist are waiting for you in room two, quick.” Louise withdrew without saying more. “Ugh, I forgot my mom was coming today,” Christine complained. “Will they let you go out again for the day?” Chiara asked, smiling, “It seems so. Come on…” Christine and Chiara stood up and said goodbye to Marzia and Elio as they left the smoking room.  
“Nightmares again? Marzia asked slowly.

Both had arrived almost simultaneously; Marzia came two days after Elio; being close in age, they adjusted well; Elio liked that Marzia had the patience and did not force him to speak. They enjoyed each other’s company, even in silence. Marzia felt that she needed a friend and that Elio definitely needed someone too. The first time she saw him, she was petrified, as she had never seen a boy so sick and weak, so thin. At that time, Elio was forced to use a wheelchair, “I can walk, but they won’t let me... it burns calories” was the first thing Elio said to a depressed and scared Marzia, who was sitting on the sofa outside her room, that’s how she confirmed the reason why the young man was there, “My name is Marzia” she introduced herself stretching her hand languidly, “My name is Elio” he said, responding with the same gesture, he directed his gaze to Marzia’s other arm. He realized that under the sleeve of the sweater she was wearing, her wrist was heavily bandaged, and that’s how Elio found out why she was there. Still, he didn’t say anything to her. It wasn’t necessary. They both appreciated that complicit silence, and as the days went by, they shared more things. 

Marzia told him about her bipolar disorder, her life outside of her and how in the days before she was admitted, things seemed to make no sense, and how she always avoided seeing psychiatrists because she was afraid of disappointing her parents. Elio, for his part, was even much more reserved. He told her how he has been in treatment for his anorexia and depression for years, seen many psychiatrists and specialists. All have said that he is a hopeless case and that he knows it. He told her about his family, his life in Italy, his parents, who loved Marzia very much, especially Anella, Elio’s mother. She visited her son every day, while Mr. Perlman did not go some days for work.  
In fact, everyone enjoyed Elio’s parents’ company, and Vimini was the one who most celebrated the Perlmans’ visits. “I wish I had parents like yours; you are so lucky,” the others told him. It hurt him because he knew it was true. He knew that deep down, they judged him twice as much because then there was no reason to be as he was. Unlike Vimini, whose mother is cruel to her and prevents her from seeing her father due to her divorce and people at her school bullying her. Not like Marzia, whose parents are only interested in her achievements. Or Chiara, whose parents travel all the time. Not like Christine, whose parents struggle financially, although her borderline personality disorder was not exactly her choice. Everyone in that place seems to have a reason to be there, suffer, and get sick, except for Elio. Except for a mere whim, except a ridiculous rebellion.

“It was not a good day. It was to be expected to have a nightmare,” Elio answered, and a shiver made him tremble. Marzia noticed, “Let’s go to the dining room. They must have taken everything from breakfast” she offered his hand, Elio took it. Although he was not comfortable with physical contact, he trusted Marzia, “I hope the smell is gone too.”

* * *

“What about Oliver?” Marzia asked after they both sat on the sofa in the dining room. Apparently, the others were in their rooms or on medical appointments. “What I told you, the guy is an idiot.” Elio insisted, Marzia outlined a slight smile, “I think you already realized that you were wrong about him, and you don’t want to admit it ...” the girl’s tone of voice usually reassured Elio. Still, this time he regretted that Marzia perceived so well his feeling, “I was very aggressive ...” Elio closed his eyes in shame, Marzia let out a small laugh, “Yes, I think so ... but, you can remedy it, he will understand, I think he is a good guy” she said in a sweet tone, “Do you really think so?”, he couldn’t finish because Louise showed up and told Marzia that she had an appointment with the psychologist. They were waiting for her, “We’ll talk later, okay? Everything is going to be fine,” she said, accompanying Louise.

  
Elio went to her room and took his diary, prepared to write. He felt somewhat guilty for feeling relieved by the interruption, afraid to speak too much to Marzia, even though they were friends and highly esteemed her, there were things that he could never tell anyone and that were easier, in fact, necessary to write. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to go on because his fragile body couldn’t bear it all. Write about the day of terror he had yesterday, write about the screwed up he had on his nose, write about the figure that was presented to him together before he fell sedated, the blue eyes that looked at him shyly and warmly and called him by a foreign name, **_Oliver_**.


End file.
